Right, so here we are. The MINI Clubman 2.0 John Cooper Works ALL4. Six doors, four wheels, and enough attitude to make your neighbour’s Golf feel like a shopping trolley. Underneath, it’s got a 2.0-litre turbo engine that shoves power to all four wheels, meaning it doesn’t just grip the road — it claws at it, like a terrier that’s just spotted a squirrel. And yes, it’s Euro 6 compliant, so the ULEZ cameras won’t ruin your day. Insurance? Manageable. MPG? Well, let’s just say it’s not a Prius, but who cares when you’re having this much fun? Spec? Oh, it’s loaded. There’s the Child Pack — because apparently, children aren’t impressed by 0–60 times — and the Media Pack XL, which makes the inside feel like NASA Mission Control. Enhanced Bluetooth, because it’s 2025 and you really shouldn’t still be faffing about with wires. It sits on 19-inch John Cooper Works Course Spoke alloys, which don’t just look good — they scream “I will overtake you.” Air conditioning, of course, and heated seats for both driver and passenger, because Britain is cold and damp and your backside deserves better. Parking sensors front and rear, plus a Parking Assistant, because let’s be honest, you’ll never admit you need help but secretly you do. Storage compartments everywhere, piano black trim to make the cabin feel like a concert hall, and black roof and mirror caps, because a MINI should always look a little bit naughty. So yes — it’s practical, it’s fast, it’s clever, and it’s got more toys than Hamleys. A MINI Clubman, but turned up to eleven.