Right then. Imagine you’re in the market for a sensible family SUV. Something practical. Something reliable. Something that won’t terrify the neighbours or the insurance company. But—crucially—something that isn’t about as exciting as a damp teabag. Well… this might be the one. Because what we have here is a Nissan Qashqai that’s just arrived straight from Motability, and it’s done a frankly suspiciously tiny 12,000 miles from new. Twelve thousand! That’s barely enough to warm the tyres. It’s had just one owner, comes with service history, and—miracle of miracles—two keys. Yes. Both of them. Present and correct. Now normally at this point you’d think: “Fine, but it’s probably as basic as a garden shed.” Ah. But no. This one comes with alloy wheels, climate control, radar-guided cruise control, and a touchscreen infotainment system with Apple CarPlay and Android Auto. Which means your music, your maps, and your questionable taste in podcasts all appear instantly on the screen like magic. And remember earlier when I mentioned a bit of German pizazz? Well, take a look at the colour. It’s finished in Ceramic Grey, which—let’s be honest—looks suspiciously like Audi’s Nardo Grey. The sort of colour that normally lives on something with four exhaust pipes and a driver called Klaus. But that’s not all. Because on top of the car itself, we’re also throwing in a brand-new MOT, 12 months warranty, and a fresh service. All of it. Completely free of charge. Generous, aren’t we?